Those Words from A Dad That Helped Us as a New Parent

"In my view I was merely trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

Yet the truth rapidly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he burnt out. It was a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he needed help.

The direct statement "You are not in a healthy space. You require assistance. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now better used to talking about the strain on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to talk amongst men, who still internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It is not a display of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to ask for a respite - going on a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the language of emotion and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad decisions" when younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You turn to things that don't help," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - a good diet, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after you is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead give the security and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their issues, altered how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I expressed, at times I think my job is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are in this journey."