Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
